New brothel!!

A woman goes into a pet shop looking for a parrot. The assistant shows her a beautiful African Grey parrot.
"What about this one, Madam? A beautiful bird, I'm sure you'll agree, and it's an absolute steal at only $15.
"Why is it that cheap?" the woman asks.
"Well", replies the assistant, "it used to live in a brothel and as a result its language is a touch fruity"
"Oh, I don't mind that", said the woman, making her mind up, "I'm broad minded and it'll be a laugh having a profane parrot".
So saying, she buys the parrot and takes him home.
Once safely in his new home, the parrot looks around and squawks at the woman, "Fuck me, a fucking new brothel and a fucking new madam"
"I'm not a madam and this isn't a brothel," says the woman indignantly, but she sees the funny side and let's it drop.
A little later the woman's two teenage daughters arrive home.
"A new brothel, a new madam, and now new fucking prostitutes" says the parrot when he sees the daughters.
"Mum, tell your parrot to shut-up, we're not prostitutes," complain the girls, but they all see the funny side and have at laugh at their filthy new pet.
A short while later, the woman's husband comes home.
"Well fuck me, a new brothel, a new madam, new fucking whores, but the same old clients. How are you doing, George?" says the parrot.

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love!

Why Jim Smith Lost His First Love Jim Smith wished to buy a present for his first sweetheart, and after careful consideration he decided on a pair of gloves. Accompanied by his sweetheart's sister, he went to a department store and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, the items got mixed up.(The sweetheart got the panties.) Without checking the contents, Jim sealed his package and sent it to his sweetheart with the following note. Dearest Darling, This is a little gift to show you I have not forgotten you this Christmas. I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your younger sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easy to remove. These are a delicate shade, but he lady I bought them from showed me a pair that she had worn for three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had the sales girl try them on and she really looked smart. I wish I could put them on you the first time. No doubt, other men's hands will come in contact with them before I have the chance to see you again. When you take them off blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Be sure to keep them on when you clean them or they might shrink. I hope you like them and will wear them for me next Friday night. All My Love, Jim my P.S. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. Also, the sales girl showed me how they look when worn in the latest style - folded down with the fur showing.

Ways to tell someone their fly is open.!

20. The cucumber has left the salad.19. I can see the gun of Navarone.18. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.17. You've got Windows on your laptop.16. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.15. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.14. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.13. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.12. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...11. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.10. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!9. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.8. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!7. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.6. Dr. Kimble has escaped!5. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."4. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...3. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.2. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?1. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

The nutty Professor !!

A college professor asked his class a question. If Philadelphia is 100 miles from New York and Chicago is 1000 miles from Philadelphia and Los Angles is 2000 miles from Chicago, how old am I.
One student in the back of the class raised his hand and when called upon said "Professor your 44.." The Professor said "your absolutely correct, but tell me how did you arrive at the answer so quickly?"
The student said. "You see professor I have a brother, he`s 22 and he`s half nuts."

The angry preacher...!

The angry preacher...The preacher rose with a red face. "Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!"No one moved. The preacher continued, " Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!"Again all was quiet.
Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke."Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan. I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets."

Tailpiece

The Motor Home!

My brother-in-law goes into a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. He looks on the side of his cup and finds a peel off prize. He pulls off the tab and yells, "I won! I won! I won a motor home; I WON a motor home!"The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a minivan!"My brother-in-law replies, "No. I won a motor home, I won a motor home!"By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we don't have that as a prize!"Once again, my brother in-law says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I won a motor home!"The manager grabs the prize ticket and reads, "WIN A BAGEL.