Get a Boarder!

There was this eighty-year-old man who was seeing the doctor for a checkup. The doctor asked why he needed the checkup. The man was getting married next month to a girl 60 years his junior.
The doctor tried to talk him out of the marriage, and it didn't work.However, the doctor suggested, "If you want your marriage to last, I say you at least take in a boarder."The old man agreed.
The old man didn't see the doctor until they met at a fund-raiser a year later.The old man says, "Doc, congratulate me, my wife is pregnant." "That's good news," said the doctor. "I knew the boarder would help.""Oh," said the old man with a wicked grin, "and the boarder's pregnant as well."

Fascinating Little Johnny!!

A teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said,
 "That was good, Mary, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand and said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said,
"Good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand.The teacher hesitated because Johnny was notorious for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word "fascinate," so she called on him. Johnny said loudly,
"My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons." The teacher said, "That was good, Johnny. However, you did not use the word 'fascinate' in your sentence." Little Johnny continued, "But her boobs are so big, she can only fasten eight!"

I have a Microsoft waiter!

Patron: Waiter!
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem? Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time. Patron: No, it's still thereWaiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there. Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup? Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day! Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day? Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day? Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now? Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato. Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check] Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup. Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet. Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.[The waiter leaves.] Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup! The check: Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00 Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50 Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00

Tailpiece

The Beer Prayer!

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hollowed be thy drink. I will be drunk, At home as in the travern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not into incarceration, But deliver us from hangerovers. For thine is the beer. he bitter and The lager Forever and ever, Barmen