Dr. ABBAS 

Reaction To Child’s Actions

Q. I have a boy of 16 years old and I found out that he was busy with masturbation. My husband and myself are so worried about it and do not know what to do and how we should go about it. How should parents react to their child’s masturbation?
Concerned Reader, Arusha

A. Parents are often unsure about how to react when they find out that their child indulges in masturbation. Masturbation is an ancient practice. For thousands of years individuals have felt physical desire and touched their genitals. If they touch them in just the right way and for just the right amount of time they reach orgasm. Their sexual tension is released and they feel good. One should understand that this is a normal stage of psychosexual development and a natural expression of childhood sexuality for males and females alike. One should be careful not to create any apprehension in the child by making an issue out of it. The child should not be reprimanded by using any anxiety-provoking statements such as masturbation will damage his sex life or make him insane or lead to genital dysfunction or deformity. Parents should realise that as the child develops, he/she will continue to have sexual urges; he will be more expressive about sexuality, and will need to find some manner of release. Parents should realise that creating any anxiety at this crucial stage would be detrimental to the child’s development. They should provide constructive support when the child needs it, doing no more; otherwise antagonism and failure are likely. The wisdom of this approach should be apparent to anyone who reflects upon his personal childhood memories.

Sexual Inhibitions

Q. I am 21 years old and my girlfriend is 17 years old. She has one big problem and we cannot get over it. She cannot have sex when the lights are on. On the other hand I need light, and do not get disturbed. Her sexual abilities get disturbed and she does not enjoy it if even weak lights are on. Why is it and what should be done?
Concerned Reader, DSM.

A. This is called sexual inhibition. There are many different sexual inhibitions but some of the more common ones including worrying about body odours during sex, not wanting to be seen naked, feeling anxious about a particular body part, being nervous about a particular sexual act, such as oral sex, or just feeling excessively self-conscious during sex. Sexual problems often arise as a result of hang-ups, in some cases such as lights disturbing the sexual orgasm. Behaviour therapy is a branch of psychology that aims to tackle inhibitions and phobias. It does so by exposing the inhibited person to the source of their inhibition in a series of controlled steps. You can take the principles of behaviour therapy and use them at home. For example in your girl friend’s case, who is nervous about having sex with the lights on, you could start off by making love in dark room with a single candle burning. If this is okay brightness can be increased to several candles, then to a bedside lamp and then to a main light. The idea is that you gain confidence slowly, and if one stage feels uncomfortable, you simply go back to the previous stage until you feel more relaxed. Behaviour therapy also uses relaxation techniques such as deep breathing and muscles relaxation exercise.

Single At Forty-nine

Q. I am 49 years old, single, and would like to know if women in their 40s make suitable partners for younger men? I still look quite young and attractive, but I am very aware that men of my age go for younger women. Realistically, what are the chances of meeting a new lover?
Concerned Reader, Tanga

A. Biologically yes, women reach their maximum capacity to have orgasms and multiple orgasms in their middle to late 30s and early 40s. They also tend to feel more comfortable with their sexuality by this age. Men, in contrast reach their sexual peak between the ages of 18 and 22, and are able to have several orgasms a day with small intervening time gaps. They often make vigorous, athletic lovers. The drawbacks to relationships between older women and younger men are usually emotional – one partner tends to process an unhealthy concentration of power, making the other feel over-vulnerable. Apart from this, age is no bar to any loving relationship. Observation has shown that many older women of all shapes, sizes and backgrounds meet new lovers. Provided you have energy, are fun and possess a real interest in sex, the chances of finding a new partner are high. Until you do meet someone who has partner potential, concentrate on making friends with a wide range of people. Friends can be invaluable, especially at times of change.